Change 2.0

Change is inevitable, growth is optional…

Change is a word and concept that has been used throughout the ages.  Many songs have been written about it; it has been used in science with the greek symbol “delta”, and even has been the recent center piece for campaign slogans.  Unfortunately, recent economic shifts have caused us to use the word even more than before.  But what exactly is change?  Do we react to it (roll with the punches) or do we use it to our advantage? 

The word change actually means to make or become different (in verb form) or the instance of becoming different in noun form.  Change can take many forms. It can come suddenly, such as a hurricane. Or it can come slowly, such as the natural aging process of all things, living and otherwise.  Change can be internal or external, and can be both positive and negative.  Change is very dependent on one’s point of view, perspective, or even coping mechanisms.  If we view the world in a negative light, then all change is for the most part bad.  If, however, we see the world through the eyes of the “glass is half full” lens, then change becomes a challenge that we take on with hunger and drive.  The choice is predominantly ours to make.  Having the will to see change in a positive way is what differentiates us from the reactive animals that are all around us.  My wife always says, “change is inevitable, growth is optional.”  That is so true.  The option to grow lies deep within our own souls.  In the place where FEAR (False Events Appearing Real) resides.  We may be able to put on a facade to most people, but the person in the mirror never lies to you.  To be able to truly embrace change is very, very difficult, but it can be done.  Viewing change as a challenge is the first step.  We all like or even love competition.  Don’t let change get the best of you.  Plan for it and be organized and ready to embrace it when it happens.  Visualize what it will be like after the change.  For example, if you are switching jobs soon, actually attempt to put yourself in the shoes of the new job; anticipate what it will feel like. Visualize a positive experience with little to no negativity.  This will moderate any negative effects that may come your way.  Finally, get out and exercise both your mind and your body.  A strong immune system is resilient to change; a weak immune system will succumb to it.  

When coaching individuals, we stress the importance of stretching our clients. When we stretch, we change. Period. Stretching is a good thing. It stimulates us to grow and to embrace what is around the next corner. This is exciting and keeps your brain firing, young, and vibrant. So change is actually a good thing.

One final note on change.  Most of the time, change is a good thing.  When change does not take place in our lives, we become complacent and stagnant.  Complacency and stagnation can degrade your physical, mental, and spiritual states.  That is why it is always good to “change things up a bit” in everything that you do; your diet, your workouts, your relationship with your spouse, the trips that you take with your kids, the route that you take when you go for a walk with your dog.  

Assignment

Look at the things that are changing in your life and write them all down on a list. Can you find some positive elements in those changes? I know that some change can be painful, but finding meaning within that change will help you to get through it and perhaps even learn to thrive with it. At the very least, this exercise will grant you some added introspection and the ability to help others through their change. What can you learn from this change? What can you do to help others find meaning during similar periods of change?

I hope that this week, you will become more in tune with change and how to deal with it.  Sometimes just thinking about things and communicating with someone alleviates some of the anxiety that we feel with change.  Just remember that change is the one constant in our lives!

Dr. N

LIfe's Meaning

The Meaning of Life

This week, our community lost a truly special person.  Jim Cunningham was a father, husband, friend, surfer, executive coach, college professor, mentor, warrior, brother, and many other roles that those who know Jim can add to the list.  Being a coach and professor myself (Jim and I actually work for the same universities and the same coaching company), I have struggled with finding meaning with the death of such a dear friend.  Victor Frankl, a scholar and survivor of the holocaust, said it best.  In any kind of suffering or distress, if you can find or give meaning to it, this process should give you some peace.  So as I reflected on Jim’s passing, and what it meant to me, I thought of three messages from Jim that he leaves behind as markers of how we should live our lives to give some meaning to all of this.  The first message, get out of your comfort zone.

Jim and I would call each other a couple of times a week to check up on each other. We share a common bond across many of the previously mentioned roles; actually all of them.  So we just “clicked.”  Our conversations would range from professional, such as how to handle a difficult coaching client or student, to the latest workout techniques and what new adventures he was going to take Lin on that weekend.  I thoroughly enjoyed all of our talks, and I will miss them dearly.  During one such talk, Jim excitedly asked me if I had ever heard of Good Will Date Night.  I had not.  So he enthusiastically (those who know Jim know that when he talks, his passion flows from him in an indescribable yet totally real and genuine manner) about Good Will Date Night, the event where you buy (for 20 dollars max) an outfit from Good Will that your signifiant other has to wear and they do the same for you.  You do this with a few couples and you all go to dinner at a really nice restaurant and here is the kicker; you don’t say anything to the wait staff, or anyone else who looks at you in a funny manner. You have to act perfectly normal. He also decided that it would be appropriate to end the night with all of us going to a Karaoke Bar and singing a duet with our spouses.  I have to say that when Jim and Lin showed up at our house that night, Jim had on a pair of white rubber, water-proof fishing boots, red sun glasses, a red and white checkered shirt, and a crocodile Dundee hat,  I knew we were in for a wild night!  And it definitely was!  If you are having trouble finding meaning in your life,  get out of your comfort zone and try a Good Will Date Night Karaoke, just make sure you toast Jim when you do it.  

The second message from Jim is this, leave people better than how you find them.  I remember Jim and I did a 2 day executive training session in Arizona this past year.  Jim went the extra mile to make sure that all the participants in that session had all the detailed and individualized information to make them more effective in their jobs and personal lives.  When Jim gave his talk, you could tell that he had spent many hours preparing each of these profiles.  I was impressed at how the participants in the room were positively impacted by Jim’s hard work and dedication.  He made a tremendous impact that day, definitely left those individuals better than how he found them.  Jim was really good at doing that.  If you are having trouble finding meaning in your life, leave people around you better than how you found them.  

The third message from Jim is always try and better yourself in some way.  Jim would not want to take on coaching clients that did not want to better themselves.  This was something that Jim prided himself on.  Even though Jim was a seasoned coach but he and I took a coaching certification class together at Walden.  He always wanted to better himself and he expected his clients to do the same.  During the last conversation we had was last week,  Jim called me because he forgot to tell me something really important.  I answer the phone and Jim starts out  with the same passion as Good Will Date Night Karaoke, about a new workout that he wanted me to try.  It was very simple.  Do 100 Squats with a 45 pound bar.  He laughed and uttered expletives like “Dude” and “Yeah" as he told me that he couldn’t walk the next day because it was such a difficult evolution.  Priceless.   Always better yourself.  Never stop.  If you are having trouble finding meaning in your life, better yourself in some way like doing 100 squats with a barbell on your back.     

  These three messages resonated with me after I reflected on Jim’s life and everything he taught me.  Number one: Get out of your comfort zone.  Number 2: Leave people better than you found them.  Number three: Always better yourself in some way.  My sincere hope is that all of you can find some meaning in this tragic event.  I know that is what Jim would want all of us to do.  

Assignment

Find the three messages this week in your life.  Get out of your comfort zones everyday this week.  This doesn’t have to be something like Good Will Date Night Karaoke, although you won’t regret it if you do.  Find something that you have never done before and go out and do it.  This one you can do everyday, leave people better than how you found them.  Go out of your way to be kind to people.  It takes some effort, but go ahead and do it.  You will thank Jim for it.  Finally, do something to better yourself everyday.  Go back and learn that new skill that you put on the shelf and have procrastinated doing.  Learn that foreign language.  Do something everyday that will better yourself.  If you follow these three messages this week, your meaning will increase and you will also touch the lives of others, which in the end is the true meaning of life.  

Dr. N

The YADA Moment

The “YADA” Moment

Life can be a difficult mess of events that have the potential to drive us crazy.  Built naturally for resilience, our minds and bodies have become conditioned for millennia to deal with the stresses of everyday life.  Trouble is, our biological and psychological systems have lagged with the technological advances of our modern times. With that advance, comes the inevitable seclusion that we sometimes feel, even when we are connected systematically to our freinds, families, and workmates.  This seclusion is the result of being disconnected from our fundamental needs that are linked to our ability to maintain states of flow and be connected on a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level.  YADA moments are the moments when we feel the most connected to our internal emotions and the external environment.  We are “one” with whatever it is that we are doing.  We lose ourselves and find ourselves simultaneously in a complex, yet simple dance of flow.   

The YADA moment is the moment that occurs during intense, extreme, physical and/or psychological conditions whereby a person loses the will to care about what is happening and focuses on the moment and actually enjoys it. As stated previously, it is the moment when you lose yourself and find yourself in the activity that you are doing.  Time slows down and often, the person does not even know how long they have been doing the activity.  Remember that YADA moments happen when we are disconnected from technology; they are naturally occurring phenomena that our bodies and minds crave to be in.  That is why sometimes, you find individuals who are seeking drama and adversity, often times at the expense of those around them.  Those individuals are seeking the YADA moment but don’t know how to find it.  Unlocking the YADA moment may be a turning point for you.  Another step in the right direction to self awareness.  

Luckily, I have experienced YADA moments many, many times in my life.  I push myself weekly so that I can experience these moments and become a better person, continuously.  Just like anything else, YADA moments take work and consistency in order to become an effective part of your resilience program.  Here is an example of an extreme YADA moment.  30 years ago, when I was going through SEAL training, the trainees underwent a 5 day continuous training evolution (no sleep) known as Hell Week.  At around the 48 hour mark, you go into a state known as “autopilot” and very few individuals quit the training after that.  The reason is that your pre-frontal cortex shuts down  and you rely on your more primitive, hind brain.  When you stop reasoning and act on instinct, you are experiencing a YADA moment.  You may be thinking that you need to go through days of sleep deprivation in order to do this, but you don’t need to do this.  You can experience a YADA moment sitting in your chair or couch or surfing, or cooking or anything else for that matter.  It just takes the practice needed to shutdown your thinking brain and focusing on in the moment thinking and acting on instinct.  Surfing is a common area where I experience a YADA moment, or Stand Up Paddleboarding.  Both activities require a tremendous amount of in the moment concentration in order to be effective.  Find and activity like this and immerse yourself in it.  

The YADA moment is a magical moment that is reserved for those who push themselves beyond their mental and physical limits.  We all need YADA moments, because they bring us as close to being truly alive as we can possibly get. 

Remember that YADA moments are fleeting and won’t last long.  That is OK. If we spend too much time in YADA moments, we can’t provide for our families, talk with people, interact with our families, or even learn something new.  Think of a YADA moment as just another tool in your arsenal.  They are moments to be coveted but not over indulged in.  Moments to be cherished but only because they are wrapped in scarcity and speciality.  

Assignment 

Develop the self-awareness to recognize and anticipate the YADA moments in your life.  They are moments where time stops and you rely on your primitive brain to carry you through the event.  They are events that you can experience with others but only others who are having the same moment as you will understand.  Put yourself in uncomfortable situations that will challenge you mentally and physically.  Remember not to do anything dangerous or crazy; know your limitations by push yourself.  Challenge while activating your hind brain are the keys to gaining a YADA moment; however, YADA moments can be experienced with extreme concentration through meditation, prayer, or something similar.  Find what works for you and do it.  Immerse yourself in each YADA moment and cherish it.  Stay disconnected from technology and become in tune with your environment around you.  What does YADA stand for?  First go experience the moment, and then I will tell you.  

Dr. N

Epic Engagement 2.0

Epic Engagement

My father was born on May 9th, 1924 in Damascus, Syria, and grew up in the shadows of World War II.  By age 20, he had seen and lived through life threatening events such as the bombing of Alexandria, Egypt, where he witnessed friends being cut in half by German bombs.  He seldom talked about his experiences and he died when I was too young to even comprehend their meaning when he did talk about them.  I would like to share the biggest lesson that I learned from him now.  The lesson of Epic Engagement.

Decision

Epic Engagement begins when we decide to do something.  It is born from a drive to do something correctly and not make any mistakes.  Some actions, as you can imagine, are more serious than others.  Driving a car, for example, has much more dire consequences when done incorrectly than playing a game of dominos.  However, while playing dominos may not have dangerous consequences if not done correctly, the methodology of not being engaged while playing dominos has long lasting effects on other actions.

Habit 

Just as quitting becomes a habit, so does doing things in a partially engaged status.  Doing things while being distracted or with a bad attitude can have habitual effects when the action becomes more important.  “Like what you do; don’t do what you like.”  These were the words that my father would utter to me.  He told me that even if you sweep a floor, you should do it with as much passion and love as you do other activities that you love to do.  The wisdom behind those words are far reaching and poignant.  Liking what one does is important because there will be many more times that we must sweep the floor because it needs to be done.  So why not like it?  Developing the habit of epic engagement starts with the mundane and seemingly tedious tasks that we must do everyday in order to progress.

Passion

For epic engagement to take hold, we must have energy and passion in everything that we do.  Don’t reserve your motivation for the things that you like to do.  That’s too easy.  Passionately attack things that you don’t like to do, if for no other reason to practice and develop the concept of epic engagement.  Passion fuels our interest and drives us to flow, that inner state where we lose ourselves and find ourselves at the same time, moving smoothly and efficiently through our actions and harnessing a deep desire to perform at the top of our game.  And yes, you can achieve this while sweeping the floor, doing your taxes, surfing a 30 foot wave.  Anything.  Passion is the magic ingredient.  

Planning and Self Improvement

Just like with anything else that we do, proper planning and critical analysis after the action are essential to achieve epic engagement.  Plan/Act/Improve.  For epic engagement to take place, you must be deliberate in all aspects of the task; before, during and after all need to be synchronized and firing on all cylinders, and they all need to feed off of each other for optimal effectiveness.  Let’s say that you do a task flawlessly but don’t write down what you did or even remember how you did it next time.  You may take longer to learn the task or not learn it as effectively as you could if you wrote down and captured the details in the improvement phase.  Conversely, if you set off to do a task, but forget to grab the right broom and choose the one with the wrong bristles, you may end up sweeping the floor a lot longer or not do it well enough so you don’t have to do sweep it again.  The stages all feed each other, and they all lead us down the road to epic engagement.

Assignment

This is something that you can practice this week with everything that you do, from driving a car to a complex assignment that you need to accomplish for work.  Activate the Plan/Act/Improve sequence and write something down on paper.  Plan your action, act out your plan, and then sit down and write down any improvements that you need to make for next time.  While you are in the action phase of the epic engagement, fully concentrate in the task and take in all the nuances and details of the action.  Take every aspect of what you are doing in and let yourself become in awe of the situation.  This will active your passion and drive yourself into a sense of focus that you have never felt before.  What you complete that task, sit down and write out any lessons that you can capture for the next time you complete the same (or a similar) action.  

Epic Engagement takes time and energy to do it correctly; however, the rewards are priceless.  Even sweeping the floor can become an action that you will look forward to!  

“Lean into it!”

Dr. N

STFU! Take a dose of Silence

Drink Up!  Talk Less and Listen More

Have you ever said something and wanted to take the words you just said and put them back into your own head?  Has anyone ever told you to listen more and talk less?  Do you feel that sometimes your words fall on deaf ears?  Chances are, if you answered yes to these questions, you may need to talk less and listen more.  

My Flaw

This is more than some self-deprecating way for me to connect with you.  I actually have a huge flaw of talking too much and not listening enough.  It stems from the fact that my weakest pillar is Emotional Resilience, and I work on this pillar daily.  In middle school, I got in trouble for speaking in class out of turn; my parents were informed, which made matters worse for me.  I ended up spending the rest of the year not saying anything to anyone, while in class, unless I was called upon or I raised my hand.  Not many people know about this monk like punishment that I imposed on myself, but it is true and I deserved it 100%. Perhaps I was trying to fit in and be part of the crowd?  Doesn’t matter, I should have taken a cup of you know what.

Work/Life Balance

Perhaps you are a teacher or trainer like me.  You spend your day talking to people and conveying your ideas and even orders.  The key is to disconnect from your job when you get home or are around friends.  Take a break.  Listen more.  Let others take charge and take a back seat.  You will be OK, promise.  It may feel uncomfortable to relinquish control, but try and do it.  Your friends and family will thank you for it, and you will give your voice a break at the same time.  Drink up.

You Can’t Talk and Listen at the Same Time

Drinking from the cup allows you to listen more.  Talking and listening are impossible to do at the same time.  People want to be heard.  Listen to them without any thought of responding until they are done talking.  This takes practice and empathy.  Empathy is the key to leadership and to Emotional Resilience.  Empathy is the cornerstone of listening and shutting up, because it puts the ball in the court of the person who is talking.  Trying to think about a response before a person is done speaking to you is insulting and they will see you doing it.  People are very tuned in to whether or not you are paying attention to them or not.  Don’t underestimate the power of others to read you emotionally.  Humans are programmed from thousands of years of evolution to read these signals, leave your arrogance at home on this one. 

Sometime the Simple Things are Both Difficult Important  To Implement

Why is talking less and listening more so difficult to implement?  I am not sure, but I have my theories.  Perhaps we are surrounded by technology that is constantly talking to us and we talk on.  Think back to a couple of hundred years ago.  Life was much quieter.  Unless someone was standing in front of you, you did not hear them and you did not talk to them (unless you talked to yourself which it entirely possible).  We are inundated with sounds and constantly sought after to communicate, even when we are “alone” doing an activity that we love to do.  Most everyone carries a cell phone, whether you are in your car, hunting, paddling, or with your friends.  Perhaps that is why it is do difficult to stop talking and listening?  I am open to suggestions but the bottom line is that you will be happier if you listen more and talk less.  You may even learn something new from individuals, simply because you are giving them a chance to truly communicate with you for the first time.

Assignment

Spend the week talking less and listening more.  Make a conscious effort to count the number of times you are on transmit and the number of times you are on receive.  Do you talk more than you listen?  If so, reverse the trend and see how you feel this week.  When someone talks to you, force yourself into a position of purely listening and not waiting to respond with your own words.  That is going to be difficult, especially when you are in a situation where you need to get things done quickly.  However, like my SEAL buddies used to say, “Slow is smooth and smooth is fast…so…slow is fast.”  This applies to shooting just like it applies to interacting with humans.  Rush things in communication and items are not transmitted, leading to misunderstandings and lost time.  Remember that you are in control of drinking from the cup, so the next time you get the urge to talk, take a sip from the listening cup instead.

“Lean into it!”

Dr. N 

Change 2.0

Change is a word and concept that has been used throughout the ages.  Many songs have been written about it; it has been used in science with the greek symbol “delta”, and even has been the recent center piece for campaign slogans.  Over the past few years, we have all had to change due to the pandemic and we will continue to change, whether we want to or not.  But what exactly is change?  Do we react to it (roll with the punches) or do we use it to our advantage? Should we be more proactive to its effects? Perhaps we should accept it as a constant, thereby lessening its stressful effects?

The word change actually means to make or become different (in verb form) or the instance of becoming different in noun form.  Change can take many forms. Change can be fast (like a hurricane) or slow, like a growing tree or a season. Change can be internal or external, and can be both positive and negative.  Change is very dependent on one’s point of view, perspective, or even coping mechanism.  If we view the world in a negative light, then all change is for the most part bad.  If, however, we see the world through the eyes of the “glass is half full” lens then change becomes a challenge that we take on with hunger and drive.  

The choice is predominantly ours to make.  Having the will to see change in a positive way is what differentiates us from the reactive animals that are all around us.  My wife always says, “change is inevitable, growth is optional.”  That is so true.  The option to grow lies deep within our own souls.  In the place where FEAR (False Events Appearing Real) resides.  We may be able to put on a facade to most people, but the person in the mirror never lies to you.  To be able to truly embrace change is very, very difficult, but it can be done.  

Viewing change as a challenge is the first step.  We all like or even love competition.  Don’t let change get the best of you.  Plan for it and be organized and ready to embrace it when it happens.  Visualize what the situation will be after the change.  For example, if you are switching jobs soon, actually attempt to put yourself in the shoes of the new job; anticipate what it will feel like.  This will moderate any negative effects that may come your way.  Finally, get out and exercise both your mind and your body.  A strong immune system is fairly resilient to change. a weak immune system will succumb to it.  

Most of the time, change is a good thing. Make change synonymous with learning. Build relationships around the change, then repeat the action that will help you to change. Even when you don’t want to do it. Reframe the change around something positive and look at the positive in the change.

 When change does not take place in our lives, we become complacent and stagnant.  Complacency and stagnation can degrade your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual states.  That is why it is always good to “change things up a bit” in everything that you do; your diet, your workouts, your relationship with your spouse, the trips that you take with your kids, the route that you take when you go for a walk with your dog.  

Assignment

Choose something that you want to change in your life. Maybe it is something large or something small. If the change is too ambitious, consider breaking up the change into smaller changes in order to increase the chances of success. For example, if you want to change to exercising 60 minutes per day, consider starting at 20 minutes and working your way up to 60 within the next couple of months. When you have decided to change, build an accountability partner around the change. Find someone who will be there for you and relate to you when you are changing. Perhaps that person is going though the same change? Perhaps that person has gone through the change in the past and can help you gain perspective? The next step is to repeat the change, even when you don’t want to do it. Force yourself to perform whatever it is that you are trying to change. The feeling will follow the function. Make it, until you make it, applies here. The physical making will precede the psychological “making” it feeling that you get once the change has taken hold and become a habit. Finally, reframe the change into a logical decision, taking the emotion out of the event. Logically list out reasons that you are doing the change and how it is beneficial to your overall mission that you are striving for. This is the proactive approach to not only dealing with change that is thrust upon you, but also important in achieving the change in our lives that we wish to achieve.

Thinking about things in a logical way, repeating the change over and over, and communicating with someone alleviates some of the anxiety that we feel with change and helps us to achieve that change.  Just remember that change is the one constant in our lives!

Dr. N

Learn from the Past, Prepare for the Future. Live in the Moment 2.0

LEARN FROM THE PAST.  PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE.  LIVE IN THE MOMENT!

Life is heavily dependent on our points of view, our paradigms, how we see the world.  Most of the time, we travel through our lives at such a pace that by the end of a single day, we feel as though we have burned through so much mental energy that we are exhausted.  This happens to us because of many things.  We have technology at our finger tips, cable television, one example, with over a thousand (I checked) channels, movies that are released at break neck paces and then on video as soon as they leave the theaters.  We have developed our own social media language that constantly drives us to our devices, pulled in every direction by targeted commercials that magically appear on our timelines.  We are driven to achieve more and more and more; and taking time off is considered a weakness.  As you can see, living in the moment and simply “being” is very difficult to do these days.  Constant distractions make it almost impossible; we are constantly pushed to do something, to become a human “doer” instead of a human “being.” Living and more importantly being in the moment escapes us; we fear that we may get bored or be wasting our time. From a physical and psychological standpoint, down time where our brain does absolutely nothing is not only encouraged, it is critical for our survival and happiness. For example, learning from the past is very useful, but dwelling and ruminating on past events for too long can be damaging.  Preparing for the future is equally as useful; but always living for what will be can take cause us not to be happy with our present conditions. Both past and future thinking have their uses, but too much of any one of them causes damage and takes us away from what is truly important, the present moment.

Not living in the present may bring with it a certain level of self-deception of not living in reality.  We neglect our own psychological well being when we do not live in the present moment. Self deception occurs when we lie to ourselves; which is the most dangerous of the lies.  By constantly living in a world that does not exist (the future or the past), we essentially live a life that is not real or that is full of lies.  More specifically, this occurs when we think about what might have been in the past or what will be in the future.  Both not grounded in reality!  An example of this is when people dream about winning the lottery or another far fetched event.  Time spent dreaming about  such things is time that can be spent enriching our own lives, learning something new that is practical useful, or better yet helping others to achieve their dreams.  Instead of dreaming about the future or regretting the past, how about developing concrete training plans that will help you to achieve your dreams, or write about an event that happened in the past to better learn from the positive and negative effects?  Of course this takes time, discipline, and a relentless pursuit of excellence.

Having a relentlessly introspective, critical outlook is essential for the non-emotional, effective use of the past and the future.

Studying the past is essential to human development and can be a fascinating adventure.  The past, however, can be full of mistakes or regrets. Learn from the mistakes and move on.  Take advantage of the past to more fully live in the moment.  Even if you made a serious mistake in the past, the only way to learn from it is to adopt a new set of behaviors that avoids the same mistake in the present.  Being stuck on the “what might  have beens” and “should have beens” only psychologically bogs you down and takes you away from  the  things  that you want to do in the present.  

Life is something that we need to live everyday.  Truly living in the moment requires thoughtful skill and the will to avoid distractions from the past and the future. Think about this the next time your mind starts to wander: our time on this earth is finite, don’t waste it on thoughts that take you away from truly enjoying your life and helping those around you enjoy their lives!  

Learn from the past; prepare for the future; but, live in the moment!  

Assignment

What steps can you take right now to become a human being again and not a human doer? I know that we all have to do things but what are some down time brain activities that you can do to counter balance that to do list? Try to do this for 10 minutes per day and see if you can tell any difference in your stress levels/happiness for the week. Get out into nature and enjoy the weather, without the distraction from devices. Sit with someone else and have a conversation about something that stimulates your mind, without distractions from technology. These are just two examples; I am sure you can think of more.

"Lean into it!"

Dr. N

The How is The Now

Losing focus on our goals and concentrating on the journey instead may help us to achieve our goals more effectively and more enjoyably. Although focusing on goals can be fun and invigorating, it can be a very frustrating process as well. Especially if the goal is far away from where we are, such as retirement, graduation or anything that takes a long time to achieve; focusing on that end state or destination brings out feelings of inadequacy and impatience. Feelings of inadequacy can be good, however, if and when they move us to action. But the action or the “how” before we get to our destination is more important than the actual destination itself, and focusing on the how will help us to get to our destination more effectively and with more satisfaction and joy.

Let’s take the example of a marathon. The finish line is 26.2 miles away. It is going to take us a long time to get there. You need proper equipment (running shoes, water, training, sunglasses, etc.) to arrive at the finish. Focusing on how we get to the finish line will not only ensure that we get there safely (remember that you may have to cross busy intersections with traffic), but also will allow us the chance to enjoy ourselves as we go. The now. Living in the now is the best, stress-free, action that we can take during the marathon. We will meet people along the way during “the how” of the marathon that will help us. We will meet people that need our help. Perhaps in both of these examples, we would overlook these people or not even see them if we were only focusing on arriving at our destination. The trouble is that we may not even finish the marathon without their help, and they may not even finish the marathon without our help. Focusing on the how of the marathon and taking every step seriously right now helps us to cross that finish line, in the future. But focusing on the future does not guarantee success because we may trip, fall, or get delayed by negative thinking because the finish line is just too far away from us.

Concentrating on what you are doing every step of the marathon also makes the marathon more palatable and bearable. Every step that you take during the marathon is one step closer to the finish line. This balance between thinking about the finish line, but at the same time concentrating on the next step (so that you don’t twist your ankle and get injured) is something that we all need to think about from time to time, and practice. Concentrating on the how takes practice and concentration, because we tend to want to get to our destinations quickly. We have grown to be inpatient and bored because of the pace of our lives. It is up to us to slow down, concentrate on the journey, and enjoy the ride. We will finish the marathon soon enough. And then what? Another marathon? Sure.

Let’s develop some practical ways to focus on the how of something so that we may live better and happier in the now. We now what these ways are already. We just have to think about them. The next time that we go on a walk or a drive, we need to pay attention to every detail that we see and focus on those things. If we are walking, let’s feel the ground beneath our feet. Let’s take in the smells and sounds around us. Birds singing? Try and imagine what it must be like to be a bird, flying through the air. What would that look like? How many colors do we see? Differentiate between the various plants that we see. How long does each take to grow? Focusing on the details along the way and not on how long we have to go or how far we have to go will force us to focus on the present moment. Practice this and see how we feel at the end of the walk. It takes a lot of concentration to focus on the how of our actions instead of the destination. The key is to focus on what is around us and what our body is doing right in the moment. Thinking too far ahead takes us away from that simple action of the how and the now.

Try and develop this in everything that you do. What other activities or actions do you perform where you overly focus on the end instead of focusing on the journey? Can you apply similar principles from the walk example to those? Experiment with this for a few days and see if you are getting more satisfaction out of your how, and less dissatisfaction at not having arrived at the finish line yet.

Dr. N

Riding the Bench

The substitute. The understudy. The pinch hitter. The bench warmer. We have all been there, whether on a sports team or at our work. Everyone wants to be in the “room where it happens,” but the problem is that we cannot be in that room, all of the time. Being in the game and in the show is where we ultimately want to be. It is the place where we train to be, aspire to be. Whether you are a stage actor, a salesperson, a sports player, etc; we all want to be on the field, doing the job. Sometimes we have to sit out and stay on the bench for a time. We can choose to be disappointed about this, or we can take the opportunity to turn riding the bench into something positive. The choice is entirely up to us. What are some of the things that we can do when we are on the bench? Rest. Recover. Reflect. Contemplate. Be bored. Just to name a few. All of these attributes can stimulate our creativity and recharge our minds and bodies. When we are on the bench, we can evaluate better what is important to us and focus our efforts into what exactly it is that we want to accomplish, once we get back into the game. Perhaps being on the bench helps us to see more clearly that we need to shift into another game? We see that happen, from time to time. Writing down some thoughts, while you are on the bench, will help you clarify what you want to do and how you can do it. There are many writing exercises that we can accomplish, such as personal After Action Reviews, Reaffirming our Personal Creeds, or designing and reapplying our Wheels of Life or Personal SWOT analyses. All these exercises are very difficult to do when you are in the game. Take the opportunity to do these when you are on the bench and enjoy the journey. Sometimes the best things happen to us happen when we are benched. Some of the greatest companies of our time have happened because their founders were “benched” and decided to come back and achieve the impossible. When you take the opportunity to improve yourself, being on the bench does not sound that bad after all. What are the things that you will do, the next time that you are benched?

Dr. N

"Marty, whatever you do, don't go back to 2020!"

As we enter the New Year, we should take a quick look back at 2020 and decide what we learned from it. Even in the hardest times, we have the ability to change our perceptions and learn and think. That is one of our abilities that separates us from other animals. This critical thinking ability is unmatched in the animal kingdom. We can look at a tragic event and draw positive conclusions from it that not only make us (and others) feel better, but may even serve us moving forward when we are faced with other tragic or negative events. Let's face the hard facts, 2020 will not be the only hard year we go through. There are many more to come, but having the ability to quickly change a negative event (or at least our perception of one) into a learning experience or a challenge is one of the cornerstones of being resilient. With practice, this becomes automatic.

THE ROAD TO BECOMING SUPERHUMAN

How do we become superhuman? Is it possible? Perhaps not in the Marvel or DC sense, but it is possible to supersede our biological stress response with the right approach and application of that approach. We are biologically designed to seek homeostasis. This condition is the perfect balance point where we thrive and survive. When it gets cold, we shiver or seek warmth. When it gets hot, we jump into the water to cool off or go into the shade. This homeostasis takes place in our bodies. Too much adenosine in the brain? We go to sleep. Too little, we wake up. We are constantly seeking balance. How we become superhuman is seeking out the imbalance points in our lives on purpose and turning them into learning experiences and reflective positions where we learn and bounce forward (not back) into better positions. For example, if you are a restaurant owner, perhaps you look back at 2020 as a learning experience to change your business to become more virtual and less in person. Takeout restaurants and fast food restaurants have actually not suffered at all in the pandemic; their business went up. Perhaps a restaurant owner can learn from this and adapt his business style to incorporate more takeout in the future? Embracing this change and adapting to its challenges pushes us in the direction of a superhuman. Humans of long ago did not have the ability to critically think to the dimensions that we can today. We have evolved. And that is why we are superhumans. We take tragedies and turn them into positive events that we can learn from and teach others about.

CONTROLLED INVINCIBILITY

This is the feeling that you get when you are in a state of flow. We have all had it I hope. Perhaps when surfing on a super pitchy wave and making the drop, flying down the side of a mountain on a mountain bike and perfectly landing all of the turns, jumping out of an airplane on your first solo dive and sticking the landing; all of these events and more contribute to our flow states and that “I can do anything” feeling that we get immediately after those events. Taking this controlled invincibility and applying it to our everyday lives (in the absence of the heart pumping events that I described above) is tough but not impossible to do. It just takes work. That work is what will bring us closer to superhuman status.

THE STORM IS COMING

A couple of years ago, our city was destroyed by a level 5 hurricane. As we dug ourselves out of the disaster, we were happy that it was over. Lots of us learned to live through the adversity and some of us actually enjoyed working through it. As the pandemic raged on over the Spring and Summer and still affects us as I write this, I can’t help but think that the hurricane prepared us for this. We were ready for anything and when anything showed up, those of us who learned from the hurricane were ready. We knew instinctively that another storm, proverbial or real, was going to hit us. And it did.

CONCLUSION and ASSIGNMENT

As we give a sigh of relief when the clock strikes midnight tonight, and look back on 2020, we should look at ourselves even more critically and think, what could I have done better this year? Could I have changed the way I look at adversity and turned that look into more of a challenge or positive? Harnessing this power, and believe me this is not an easy thing to do, can help turn the tide on the negative events in your life, help you to control your stress, and help you to help others by being the example in the utter face of adversity. Others will gravitate to you when things go wrong, because you will know how to handle it better than anyone. You will take another step toward being a superhuman. Take the step.

Dr. N